A review by resident T.F.W.F. Fantasy Football Pundit Mark Reynolds!!!!   TFWF Fantasy League - The Postmortem 1st (1873 points) - Freak Show FC - Mark Like a gleaming rod of pure mercury, I buckled a swash through the TFWF league. If you break the points scored up into months, I was in the top three point scorers in seven of the ten months played. After Aaron's brief reign at the top, I hit number one around October-ish and never looked back. The key to my success was not being afraid to swap things around - for example, I got rid of Frank Lampard, even though he had been racking the points up like a fury earlier in the season. But, as Alex Ferguson would tell you, there's no room for sentimentality in football. But then he'd tell you that Man Utd are STILL the best team in England, and Darren Fletcher is a world class midfielder, and you'd quietly snigger behind his back. If I Was A Packet Of Biscuits, I'd Be: CHOCOLATE HOBNOBS - Snack of Kings 2nd (1746) - Becksy's Babes - Simon Here's a little turn-up for the books. Like a stealth missile, Becksy crept under the radars to nick second spot, and a metaphorical place in the Champions League. Not really having an outstanding period at any time in the season, Simon and his team beavered away, picking up points and quietly hanging around the top half of the table. All this with minimum transfers made, and the added handicap of being a Septic Tank. Uncle Sam is proud of you, Mr Beck. If Simon Was An American Idol Winner, He'd Be: KELLY CLARKSON - The only one worth mentioning 3rd (1710) - Team USA - Justin There are a number of wonderments about Team USA's unexpected rise to third place in the table, and entry into next year's UEFA cup tournament. Firstly, like Simon, Justin comes from the side of the Atlantic that insists on calling a tap something weird and complicated like 'faucet'. Secondly, like most of our burger-quaffing brothers across the ocean, he knows sweet F.A. about football (Soccer?.... urgh). Thirdly, he made very few changes to his team all season, and did so only under advisement of other people. And finally, Justin's team were up and down like Courtney Love's knickers. Out of the nine FULL months played, he finished in the top two point scorers FOUR times, and the bottom three point scorers FIVE times. There was no middle ground, Team USA were either busy being ABYSMAL, or FABULOUS. A strong finish in the last gameweek saw him leapfrog Ash and Dazz into third place. If Justin Was A Legend Of Wrestling, He'd Be: HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN - HOOOOOO!!! 4th (1703) - Oranges At Half Time - Ash Ash. Ash. Asheddy Ash Ash. Fourth place. Tut. Didn't make many changes. Didn't participate much. What about them Ashes, eh? If Ash Was One Of Penn & Teller, He'd Be: TELLER 5th (1699) - Leary's Spurs - Dazz Well, the Powers twin who can't take his drink was a tryer, I'll give him that. The lad dun good in the second half of the season, and was a contender til he had a poor April. However, all this in-depth analysis falls by the wayside when confronted by the irony of his final position FIFTH PLACE SPURS HA HA HA FIFTH PLACE SPURS HA HA HA FIFTH PLACE SPURS HA HA HA FIFTH PLACE SPURS HA HA HA If Dazz Was A Football Cliche, He'd Be: SICK AS A PARROT 6th (1656) - Blake's Dream Team - Martin For the first three months of the season, Martin looked like he was going to join his brother in the bargain basement. Then for the next five months, he looked like a championship contender, around about the time he had the idea of getting Lampard and Gerrard in the same midfield. Then, right at the death, it all went Pete Tong, and he scraped home in last place for the month of April. For this anticlimax, Blake's Dream Team are stuck in mid-table pergatory, neither tasting the sweet wine of success, nor the stale cabbage water of failure. Now you know how Aston Villa feel. If Martin Was A Household Cleaning Product, He'd Be: TOILET DUCK - make sure you get up around the rim 7th (1648) - Doc's Lynch Mob - Kirk Kirk was the absolute model of mediocrity this season. Never getting into the top three on a month-to-month basis, Mr Powers was content to hang around the wide middle section of the table, somewhere between the belt and the nasty bit of stitching in jeans that always pinches your balls. Kirk's Val Kilmer avatar reminded me that the result of Mr Kilmer's night of passion with Whitney Houston was a beautiful baby boy. They named him 'Didier', and he went on to fall over a lot for the Ivory Coast and Chelsea. If Kirk Was A Hereditary Condition, He'd Be: PSORIASIS 8th (1618) - Aaron's Army - Aaron The story of Aaron's Army is a tale of Greek tragedy proportions, on par with Hamlet, Oedipus, and that bird off Eastenders whose nose fell off for snorting too much coke. At one time, he was sitting on top of the world, looking down on all creation. Then, through a mixture of cruel fate, gross injustice, and not-knowing-his-arse-from-his-elbow, Aaron's brave soldiers fell, fell, and fell again, until his once proud battalion finished the season just three places from botttom, and were forced to change their name, through their own shit-ness, from 'Aaron's Army' to 'The Sally Army'. HALLELUJAH! If Aaron Was A Band That No-one Likes, He'd Be: BON JOVI - "You give Fantasy Management a bad name" 9th (1609) - Dirty Rotten Scallys - Rich Life. Funny old game, innit? Take the Dirty Rotten Scallys, for example. Old Uncle Richie went the first few months, unable to change his formation or make transfers because of a 'password malfunction'. Didn't really harm him, however.... he hung around the top half of the table during this period However, when he's finally let back into the game by the administrators, and able to make transfers.... his team's form plummets, and here he is, just missing out on the two relegation spots that I've arbitrarily decided to allocate. Still, Rich... it could be worse. You could've been HUMILIATED 4-0 IN THE UEFA CUP FINAL! OUCH! If Rich Had A Hammer, He'd Hammer In The Morning, He'd Hammer In The Evening, He'd Hammer All Day 10th (1593) - Team TFWF - Ian Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Look on in disgust, kiddies. That a team bearing the initials of the site you love should be faced with such ignomy. This is the team REPRESENTING YOUR E-FED. Never before have the letters T, F, W and F been associated with failure. These are the facts - Team TFWF failed on a regular basis to puncture the top half of the monthly scoring totals, and are now relegated. As a fellow Man Utd fan, you should be cast out into the streets, Mr Monks. Here's a bell, declare yourself 'unclean'. Like the beardy guy from 'Enter The Dragon', you have brought dishonour onto this house. If Ian Was An Aftershave, He'd Be: OLD SPICE - Chubby girls love it 11th AND last (1547) - ....And The Winner Is - Sam There are only four certanties in life - Birth... death.... taxes... and the Scots being shit at football. Fair play to Sammy for living up to this stereotype, and for reinforcing it with some gusto! Sam's team came last in four of the nine full months we played in, and their form in the other five wasn't much to write home about. If memory serves me correctly, Sam also made about fifty six transfers through the season, going through players like Guille through ham. Forever at the foot of the table, I can confidently predict that there's as much chance of the words '... And the winner is' being followed by the word 'Sam', as there is of seeing Scotland in the World Cup finals in our lifetime! OCH AYE THE NOO! If Sam Was A Contributor To Obesity, He'd Be: HAGGIS So, children... that's it for this season. It's been.... easy. What is there to look forward to every week now? How can you possibly fill your time inbetween late RPs now?..... WORLD CUP, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!